February 24, 2004
The Rules
So, the President has come out in support of a Constitutional ammendment defining marriage as being between "a man and a woman or two women if they're hot."
However, as with all things, it's about language.
The specific language of the ammendment also defines a "man" as "a biological male or a dyke packing rod" and "woman" as "a biological female or a queen who refers to his male friends as 'Mary.'"
The ammendment goes on to specify that in a marriage between a man and queen, the queen MUST hide her candy.
Marriage is also to be defined as ONLY between a top and a bottom or two switches. Unions between two tops or two bottoms undermine the important societal institution of power exchange and the delicate balance between domination and submission.
Marriage is further STRICTLY defined as a union between a butch dyke and a lipstick lezzie. So-called "marriage" between two butch dykes undermines the traditional value of hot girl-on-girl action by grossing guys out and making them feel kinda gay.
The ammendment makes no mention of unions between butch dykes and gaibois who like to get pegged by chicks, since these are considered normal heterosexual marriages.
Likewise, leather daddies are already permitted to marry their girlslaves, but they can only marry their boitois if, and I cannot stress this enough, they are sissy/tranny.
An FTM can marry a MTF, but not the other way around, and both the bride AND the groom MUST be post-op.
The ammendment goes on to clarify some of the rules governing so-called "traditional, heterosexual" marriage:
Marriage is defined to be between a man WITH A JOB and a woman with GOOD CHILDBIRTHIN' HIPS.
What happens in Las Vegas, NV is now legally confined to the city limits of Las Vegas, NV.
The guy takes out the garbage, the girl writes the Christmas letter. That's it, case closed Meathead!
"Just hold me" time is to be strictly balanced with "that's right, suck it!" time, minute for minute. No exceptions.
EVERYbody's mother stays in a hotel when they visit, oxygen tank or no oxygen tank.
Gee, I'm sure glad our president is a uniter, not a divider, eh? Imagine if this issue fell in the lap of some divisive demagogue!
February 22, 2004
Flowers! Go, give, deliver
As Jason said so well in the previous entry, we learned in the 80's and 90's that silence = death. Now we're realizing the corollary: noise = life. So go give some money, get in line to deliver flowers (I am), and make some friggin joyful NOISE!Flowers for Al and Don
February 20, 2004
Spinning Forward
At the end of "Angels In America," Prior Walter addresses the audience:
"We aren't going away. We won't die secret deaths anymore. The world only spins forward. We will be citizens. The time has come."
This gets to me every time I hear it. Growing up, as the band played on, I learned to equate silence with death. For almost two decades, that formula has been clear to me.
But I never thought about the corollary before this week: noise = life.
And, while HIV is still with us, the issue today is not dying secret deaths, it's living secret lives. Don't ask, don't tell: a devil's bargain with intolerance. Shut up and we'll leave you alone.
Am I married? No, not today. "Civil unions," "domestic partners," "longtime companions." Maybe we'll let you be citizens, give you the same tax breaks, same survivor benefits, same inheritance rights, down the line, same same same.
But we'll keep the WORD for ourselves. Marriage. We have it, you don't.
In that case, I'm not married. I'm whatever Carol Migden is. I'm whatever the thousands of couples in SF, New Mexico and however many waiting in Chicago and Massachusettes and Vermont and anywhere else are. I'm with them.
I say I'm with Liz, and we are no more or less together than any of "them."
New Mexico
Ooop, looks like Sandoval County, New Mexico beat you to the punch, Chicago.
Okay...gotta give Gavin his props...this thing is going national.
Tick...tock...tick...tock...
February 19, 2004
The Chicago Way
Mayor Daley has "no problem" with issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples.
Tick...tock...tick...tock...
February 18, 2004
The Troubles
So, Dubya is "troubled" by the corner of beautiful justice our city has carved out for itself.
For what it's worth, I have a bit of advice for our president to help him adjust: just try to think of it as being none of your fucking business, dear.
February 17, 2004
Bob Bless The Elements Of Style
So, the second judge in a row has delayed hearing objections to same sex marraige in SF. Why? A misplaced semicolon in the petition. That's right, bitches, until your petition is JUUUUUSSSSST SOOOOOO, I'm afraid my hands are tied. Gotta keep issuin' them licenses! Ooop, sorry, looks like you wrote "it's" on page 35 when you meant to say "its." Try again next week. What's this? Oh, no. See, "their" is possessive and "they're" is a contraction of "they are." See you in March. Oh, I'm sorry, you used "they" as a neuter third-person singular. I know it's common usage, but technically you're still supposed to say "he or she." We also would have accepted "s/he." Tough break. See you in October...Not Blogworthy?
Some of the attractive features of the lovely Ellroy Arms Motor Lodge in La Jolla:
1) If you find a dead hooker stuffed into your mattress, you stay free of charge! Not sure if this is compensation or some sort of contest.
2) Be sure to stop by the "What's That Stain?" lounge for a nightcap and our hourly performance of "The Bob Crane Experience!" Clean glasses available on request!
3) For you lovebirds, call ahead to reserve the Betty Page Suite, where love and carpet burn are tied together like so many ankles and wrists.
4) Up all night? Then stop in at our "Never Again, This Time I Mean It" diner for one of our world-famous "Toaster Omelettes" (now available in vending machines everywhere, check your local rehab clinic!)
Happy V Day...
February 16, 2004
A Really Happy Valentine's Day
We spent our v-day in a beachside motel straight out of a James Ellroy novel (lovely, silly, fun.... and not blogworthy). A bunch of people spent the day in our city celebrating one of the happier local events in a long, long time.
Teensy first step? Yep. Long fight ahead? Yep. Fucking beautiful day anyhow? Oh yeah...
Now for the next great thing. Betcha a dollar the divorce rate for gay couples (assuming the marriages stay recognized in some measurable way for long enough) will be vastly lower than the divorce rate for straight couples. It's just statistics... look at the number of committed same-sex couples who already are married in every other way, and have been for decades. Now look at the number of straight couples just falling from school to job to marriage without thinking, because it's expected. Which unions do you think will last?
I'm not saying the numbers won't equalize someday, because they will. I'm just saying I anticipate the statistical spike with utter glee.
Congratulations, y'all.
February 12, 2004
Stay HERE
See, here's why I live in San Francisco. Today, we became the first city to give a full-on marriage license to a gay couple.
We're not talking about benefits for "domestic partners." We're not talking about some tortured Vermont-style "separate but equal" legislative "civil union" contortion.
Marriage, bitch! Oh, yeah. First city in the country. CLOCKED! Go Gavin, it's your birthday...Go Gavin, it's your birthday...uh, wait...
And WHY, you ask, do I love my city so? Because our mayor, who rushed the order to prevent it from being blocked by the courts, who stood at the ceremony, who worked to keep it out of the papers to make sure it happened, was the darling of our local CONSERVATIVES in the last election. That's right, us liberals all voted for the other guy.
Oh yeah.
Okay, where will it go? Will the courts block it? Did you notice that it was two safe old dykes, not a middle-aged leather daddy and his 18-year old ball-gagged boy toy who tied the, uh, knot? Will everyone from county commissioner up to Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court have a spaz attack? Yes. Does it matter? No. Why? Because the gay marriage issue is settled in every other way but the law. The law is important. The law is worth fighting for. But, the moral war is already over, and our side won.
From the SFGATE story:
"Martin, 83, and the 79-year-old Lyon were declared spouses for life."
Largely in retrospect, I imagine.
February 10, 2004
If you're at eTech
This is what I look like (and what I'm into) these days. Come say hi, mmmkay?the first of (probably many) eTech links...
Why Not to Buy a Roomba, by Phil Gyford. Nicely put.Weekplanner
While I'm at eTech, hoping the talks will be as good as their titles (and please, dear Bob, better than their summaries) Jason will, apparently, be singlehandedly destroying what's left of the coherent conversations on tribe.net.February 03, 2004
Sleep-Deprived Snoopy Dance
Jason can't claim that he actually hates the cats anymore. He wrote this on Orkut, therefore it must be true...