If your parents tell you about a film, it's mainstream.
If you tell them about a film, it's indy.
If, while watching the movie, you drink a soda and eat popcorn that come in "collectible" theme containers advertising the film, it's mainstream.
If, while watching the film, you drink cappuccino from a chipped mug and eat popcorn from a wooden bowl, it's indy.
If you're sitting in a comfortable, "business class"-style seat, chances are the film you're watching is mainstream.
If you're sitting on a pile of jagged wood, torn cloth and rusty springs that may have once been a theater chair (perhaps during the Beat era), you're watchin' an indy.
If the film stars anybody you recognize, it's mainstream.
If not, it's indy.
If one of the stars later becomes recognizible, the film retroactively becomes mainstream (the Chloe Sevigny Corollary.)
All foreign films are indy, except British heist movies and Hong Kong action flicks. Canada does not count as a foreign country.
All indy film are brilliant unless they become popular at which point they're gimmicky, manipulative and cheap (the Blair Witch Effect.)
A film shot in Mexico by an North American director is indy (Men With Guns.)
A film shot in North America by a Mexican director is not (Spy Kids.)
If John Sayles directs a movie about a ragtag team of misfits and outcasts saving the earth from an asteroid impact, it's a brilliant indy commentary on genre.
If George Clooney directs a film about a lesbian cellist reconciling with her dying mother in Cold War Czechoslovakia, it's mainstream, tearjerker crap.
If a film accurately depicts the life of a heroin addict, it's indy.
If the actor who plays the addict goes on to play Obi-Wan Kenobi, it's mainstream.
If the film uses CGI, it's mainstream, UNLESS the protagonist is haunted by a sinister-looking giant bunny.
The Spader Principle: if James Spader is depicted having some form of weird sex, the film is indy; if not, it's mainstream.
Who plays Elvis? If it's Bruce Campbell, indy. If it's Kevin Costner, mainstream.
If Phillip Seymour Hoffman, John Turturro, Steve Buscemi or Harvey Keitel play supporting roles, maintream. If any of them plays the leading role, indy.
If you think a film SHOULD be nominated for an Oscar, it's indy. If it actually is, mainstream.
Kate Winslet topless: mainstream. Kate Winslet full-frontal: indy.
Hobbits? Mainstream. Life-size, animate plasticine Orson Welles? Indy.
Oral sex discussed? Mainstream. Oral sex depicted? Indy. Oral sex depicted beyond any reasonable narrative necessity? Porn.
Back in '74, what were the 7 words you could not say on TV or the radio? Why, they were:
Piss
Shit
Fuck
Cunt
Cocksucker
Motherfucker and...
Tits
As George Carlin rightly pointed out, "tits" doesn't really belong on the list. It's kinda friendly compared to the others. Sounds like a snack food (to complete the Carlin line, for some of us, it is harrr harr harr.)
To commemorate the thirtieth anniversary of this pinheadedness and in reaction to Irish (and therefore communist) singer Bono's use of the word FUCK on "The Simple Life," the seven words are comin' home!
But fear not. Progress has been made. The new seven are:
Piss
Shit
Fuck
Cunt
Cocksucker
Motherfucker and....
Asshole!
Yes, tits have been replaced by assholes. So congratulations all you assholes and better luck next time all you tits!
PS
Do I need to point out the absurdity of not wanting to have your children hear the word "fuck" while they watch Paris Hilton, in cutoffs and a tank top, milk a cow? I didn't think so...
1) Life is more poignant when experienced out of chronological order
2) Jesus has bad taste in trucks
3) Smoking in front of your heart donor's widow: good. Doing a little blow to dull the pain of losing your husband and children: bad
4) Color is overrated
5) Eating alone can cause kidney damage
6) Swimming is apparently a metaphor for something
7) God is responsible for good things, but not bad things
8) The Keyser Soze Principle stands: Always. Shoot. Benicio. Del. Toro.
9) When in doubt, get pregnant. Babies solve everything.
10) Organ donation solicitors are fuck-ing pu-shy