You birds, always cracking foxy...

Escape From L.A.

Sunday morning, sitting on the balcony of our hotel room in San Diego, reading "The Years of Rice and Salt." Hmm, the sun sure is red. Must be a storm brewing, maybe a brush fire nearby. What's this? Ash all over the glass-top table? Gah, we're such slobs. It's a non-smoking room, so it's probably rude to leave ash all over the outdoor furniture. Well, I'll just wipe it down and...hmm...seems to be a lot of ash. It's kind of falling from the sky. What was that? Did the sun just command me to bring him the ringbearer? What's THAT about?

Well, might as well get some breakfast. Down the elevator, across the pool area to the restaurant. Hmm. The pool water is, what's the word I'm looking for? Black. Yeah. That's the word. The pool is fucking black. Funny, I always thought the pool was more of a transparenty-blue color.

Omelette, patty melt, fruit plate. Hmm. The sky sure is brown, even for Southern California. Yeah. Pretty damn brown.

Upstairs, tv on. Oh. All of Southern California is ON FUCKING FIRE. Huh. Better call Liz's grandmother.

"Hi Liz's grandmother."
"Hi Liz's grandmother's granddaughter and grandson-in-law."
"So, I know we were supposed to come visit you, but, uh, 40 of the 80 miles of road between you and us are ON FUCKING FIRE."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. So, are you coming?"
"No, we thought it wouldn't be wise to DRIVE THROUGH FUCKING FIRE to get there, as long as you're okay."
"Oh, honey, we're fine. So, when can we expect you?"
"Well, we'll see, probably sometime after the roads are not on FUCKING FIRE."
"Okay, then, see you soon."
"I wouldn't count on that."

Monday afternoon. 24 hours of room service and "Planet of the Apes" movies which, you know, would normally be, like, my dream vacation. Only my dream vacation is taking place in a fucking chimney. Winds have died down. Fire is threatening every northbound road except the PCH.

"Maybe we should leave," I muse.
"What do you mean 'maybe' motherfucker?" Liz retorts.

On the road. Through San Diego, stuck in traffic in LA, into the Valley. Hey, what's that?

What?

That?

Oh, that? That's a mountain ON FUCKING FIRE next to us.

Hunh, that's something you don't see everyday.

Over the Grapevine to a truckstop bar-b-que place. Great ribs. What's that? Would I like some smokey hickory bar-b-que sauce? Do I LOOK like someone who would like some smokey hickory bar-b-que sauce? Get the hell away from me with that bottle.

Home. Sleep. Awake. Fresh air. Ahhh....

The Two Million Dollar Spam

Today, we celebrate our INDEPENDENCE DAY!

Now everyone, in your best Dr. Evil voice:

"Excuse me, is that unsolicited email? That'll be TWO MILLION DOLLARS!"

Even Cowbells Get The Blues

What is it about that cowbell sketch? As moderator of the More Cowbell tribe on tribe.net, it's incumbent upon me to understand.

First, it's just viscerally funny. Watching the the rest of the players try to keep it together as Will Farrell and Christopher Walken try to out-deadpan each other is just flat out hysterical. Then there's also the "a ha" moment when you realize that, yes, Don't Fear the Reaper has a cowbell and no, you never heard it before but yes, you can now hear the cowbell in your head even without hearing it in real life. Then there's Will Farrell's physical comedy as he "explores the space" and Christopher Walken's oddly enunciated delivery.

So, it hits all the comedy chakras. It's socially, verbally, physically and culturally perfect.

But there's a higher perfection. Something pure. And it's this. Consider that pretty much every halfway successful sketch on SNL over the past ten years has become a shitty, shitty movie. "A Night at the Roxbury" was the apotheosis of this phenomenon. The Roxbury Guys were funny on the show precisely because they lacked the requisite depth to hold together even a paper thin movie plot. Asinine head bouncing, pre-lingual mating vocalizations and inappropriate, space-violating dance moves gave them a charming, chimp-like quality. But movies about chimps don't work unless you team them up with, like, a cop or a baseball coach or something.

So now whenever a reasonably funny sketch comes on the show, your stomach fills with the nameless dread that, in three or four years, it will be painfully stretched to 87 minutes and haunt the cable airwaves (if there is such a thing) for decades.

Not so Cowbell. First off, Christopher Walken is not a regular cast member. He doesn't need Lorne Michaels to launch his fledgling film career. Secondly, you really, really, really couldn't make this premise work for a film. Really. What would the joke be? One man's quest for more cowbell? Foiled by the evil cowbell-hating conspiracy?

Plus, it's a period piece. So, expensive.

No. We can rest assured that More Cowbell will be allowed to exist in its rarified, pure, crystalline state for all time. And that is comforting.

TribeTribeTribe

So Wednesday Annalee wrote about Tribe.net in her Techsploitation column in the Bay Guardian (check out the very end for my-and-Jason's little ego-boosty part. hee).

And last night I got to meet a fabulous bunch of tribe moderators. Blurry photo evidence can be found in Marc Canter's Blog.

Rummy

Ash, the robot in 'Alien,' said of the alien: "I admire its purity, its sense of survival, unclouded by conscience, remorse or delusions of morality."

I think I feel the same way about Donald Rumsfeld.

What I don't like about the Bush White House is their have-it-both-ways attitude toward everything.

Compassionate conservatives. Right, you know, pick ONE, motherfuckers. Or Colin Powell twisting himself in knots at the UN to sell a lemon that he KNEW was a lemon ("bullshit" in his very own words). I can hardly wait for the book HE writes in about 20 years. Or this flap over Gen. Boykin actually SAYING what Bush is THINKING (we're in a religious war). Oh, no, we're not in a religious war, just a war against 'evil.' We can have tax cuts AND send $87 billion to Iraq AND improve the economy AND eat all the ice cream we want while losing weight in our sleep.

People in a better position to undertand than I have pointed out that this is dry drunk behavior. Bush is a (presumably) sober alcoholic whose judgement is still functioning as though he were drinking. And like families of alcoholics everywhere, the Administration is twisted into pretzels of denial over the whole thing. Why else would they NOT plant the WMDs? For the same reason you trust dad to buy the Christmas presents instead of going to a bar: because you HAVE to believe. Or maybe part of you needs him to come home drunk and presentless (again) so you can finally face the situation, which you don't do and instead put him to bed and rush out to shop yourself because, you know, why ruin the perfect war, errr, Christmas.

Which leads me to Rummy. Rummy don't play that. Rummy's Grampa Simpson, Cotton Hill and Sonny Corleone all rolled into one. He may be deaf in one ear since they shot his shins off at the causeway, but that don't mean he won't beat you senseless with a trashcan lid if you get out of line.

He doesn't fucking apologize and he's not shy about saying what he means, even if it disrupts the reality-distortion field around the prez.

Don't get me wrong, he's made of that stuff that was in the microwave at the end of 'Time Bandits'...pure evil. But honest, not-in-denial evil. Scary in a Darth Vader kind of way, not in delusional monkey with a gun kind of way.

Which means he's out. Even if he survives this memo flap, which it looks like he might, it's clear that they want to hand the reins over to Condi, the Good Daughter. Condi is Anne Heche in 'Wag the Dog.'

I'd actually pay big money to hear her tear into Jerry Bruckheimer when they hire him to produce the next war: "What are we gonna do now, Mr. Hollywood Peacenik Save-The-Whales Commie Fuck?"

Out Of Syndication

Moment of silence for the man who made us believe that the prime demographic for the Doobie Brothers in the late '70s was young black guys from Watts.

Scary Sanders?

Jeebus. The episode of Larry Sanders I'm watching on the recordo-box right now guest-stars Gene Siskel, John Ritter, Warren Zevon, and Elizabeth Ashley.

If I were Elizabeth Ashley, I'd be getting kinda nervous right now...

3000 Miles To Graceland: Redux

Go see "Bubba Ho-Tep." It's no mere mummy movie. It is a moving, poignant meditation on fame and regret and the redemption of the soul of the American spirit, touchingly narrated by Bruce "The King" Campbell in what is surely the finest performance of his stunning career.

I'm mostly not kidding. But don't take my word for it, check out what Roger "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls" Ebert had to say about it.

Now, gimme sum shugga, baby...

lowercase argh, but still argh

People who know me well know that I spell words in my head as I think or hear them. I don't do it on purpose, and I can't stop if I try. Finding out that I have been misspelling a word (usually a name) for a while drives me nuts.

So of course I'm awake now, insomniatic as usual, checking out web sites, and I find out that Laura Innes' character on ER — which I have watched for almost TEN YEARS — isn't "Carrie Weaver". It's "Kerry Weaver". Argh! Now I have to revise every single memory of the show.

(And yes, I realize I'm insane. I just can't help it. Pity me.)

Huh

Just noticed this Wired News article about tribe.net. So the CEO of Tribe is also an investor in friendster?

Everybody Monetize!

This has already been slashdotted, but I gotta howl about it here. We hates Verisign. We hates it forever!

From the interview:

"Are we going to be in a position to do innovation on this infrastructure, or are we going to be locked into obsolete thinking that the DNS was never intended to do anything other than what it was originally supposed to do?"

Need A Lawyer?

Try Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer!

Not Quite Iron Man

Happy thoughts for TV dad Ozzy Osbourne, suffering from non-Parkinson tremors.

"(The shaking had become) markedly worse over the last two years."

Gee, if my sweet baby and the only thing keeping me from going all Pink Floyd 'The Wall' in a hotel room somewhere was suffering from cancer and all America could tune in to watch, I don't doubt that I'd develop a nervous tick or two.

Fuck all that. I say that as TV dads go, Ozzy still has the yarbles to tolchok the smile right of Raymond's smirking litso, real horrorshow.

The Loquacious C.H.O.

Homegirl Margaret Cho has a blog that you should read when you're done reading ours.

I went to high school with Margaret for about fifteen minutes. She's like my version of Jennifer Lopez (who inspires great loyalty among her former neighbors in NY). They have J Lo, I've got M Cho.

It's All Coming Together

Arnold's the gubenator, the cybermonkeys are coming along nicely, now all we need is the mind-control alien parasites and the clone army and we'll be ready.

Of Mates, States, Dates and Sleeping Late

Liz had her Day One on Friday. All hot tubs and good books and bad movies and loud music at Bottom of the Hill where Mates of State were playing.

I'm not the world's biggest Mates fan, but they're really good live. Props to Rob for hooking us up.

Too bad Bottom of the Hill is pretty much a Hellmouth. It's a perfectly decent bar, but when everyone packs into the front part to hear the band, it's like those pictures you see of Iraqis standing in line for gasoline or food.

We saw "Kill Bill" with Dick on Saturday. Nevermind the review, just go see it. Spoiler: they don't Kill Bill, 'sup with that? I mean, if you're gonna call a movie "Kill Bill" don't you think that you should at least Kill...oh, wait, Vol 1. Nevermind.

So, it begins...

(and don't worry, I'll be back in Jon Stewart/Dennis Miller mode soon enough)

The little spam that couldn't

We have a new contender in the "stupidest spam ever" category

To: an email address I only use for domain registrations
Subject: You credit card has been charged for $234.65


Important notice

We have just charged your credit card for money laundry service in amount of
$234.65 (because you are either child pornography webmaster or deal with
dirty money, which require us to layndry them and then send to your checking
account).

If you feel this transaction was made by our mistake, please press "No".

If you confirm this transaction, please press "Yes" and fill in the form below.

Enter your credit card number here:

Enter your credit card expiration date:

Ichiban Atamagaokashii Gaijin

See, now this is what I'm talking about. Would this be as funny if Arnold were not now the governor of the post populous region of the most powerful country the world has ever known? I ask you.

To quote Jon Stewart, that's it, we're all now officially living in the matrix.

More Kamgod.com fun

Just got private email from someone claiming to be a relative of the subject of our silly experiment. Can't copy it here without permission, of course. Still, I hope that person posts to the public boards soon...

The Farce Is Strong With Her

To anyone who doubts Liz's Jedi powers, this joke is hers. I merely Photoshopped it into reality.

What does the future hold for the biggest act in Las Vegas?

...wait for it...

Paging J. Edgar

Could the Republicans be using the expanded secret surveillance powers of the FBI to monitor the Dems for campaign advantage?

Nah, inconceivable.

The good and the bad

Arnold is the guvernator. Fuck a DUCK.

On the other hand (the hand from a completely different space-time continuum), a new(ish) friend of mine has a blog that obtuse me didn't know about yet. I like it muchisimo.

Hey, I'll take my happiness where I can get it...

You in CA? Reading this on 10/07?

Please vote.


My plan is to vote and then go have lots of Sangria with friends.

Click this, buddy

Eudora 6 for OS X is totally my new best friend. Not only does their new spam-detector seem to actually *work*, check out the three button choices on this dialog box:



Yay!







Still here? Wow. Then go on, have a Liz-entry...

James officially left my little company today. He's happy about his future plans, and that's about all I have to say in public. I wish him all kinds of good things. And I'm glad we're all still friendly. Friendship good.

That "rest" thing I keep talking about hasn't really happened yet. Business requirements fade a bit, and family demands pick right up. Teeter-totter. Plus I keep saying "yes" to things like little writing jobs. But I'm still not quite as crazy as I could be, so yay for that. And rest is coming. (Yes HUH it is. Shuddup.)

I Smell Oscar!

Okay, looks like Rush Limbaugh and Courtney Love may both be headed for a little "time out."

I'm thinking, we get them in the same facility, roll the cameras and see what happens. Maybe throw in Sharon Osbourne in the authoritarian Nurse Ratched role. Two loudmouth individualists from opposite ends of the political fence must work together to preserve their humanity in a cold and uncaring institution.

It's "Cuckoo's Nest" meets "The Odd Couple" with a twist. It's "Talk Radio" meets "Sid and Nancy" with an edge. Its...

...wait for it...

"From Rush, With Love", co-starring Nick Nolte as Big Chief Ketamine and Winona Ryder as "The Girl with No Real Problems" - next week, on IFC: Friday.

PS,

Okay, back of the envelope time. They're claiming that Captain Dittopants downed "tens of thousands" of pills over a "four year period". Let's say that's 20,000 pills in 1500 days. That's an average of 13.3 OxyContin and hydrocodone EVERY DAY for four years straight.

Is it any wonder he's a paranoid ranting lunatic?

I also love the bit about Limbaugh being "unaware of any investigation." Shit, with that much junk in his veins, it's a surprise he's aware of anything.

Damn Spot

The hits just keep on comin' today. The NEA and the Alabama Shakespeare Festival are putting together a production of 'MacBeth' to tour US military bases.

Yeah, that ought to bring troop morale right up. Nothing like a good production of 'MacBeth' to give you confidence in your leaders and hope for the future. Why not 'Richard III' or 'Titus Andronicus' while you're at it?

Quoth Dana Gioia, chairman of the NEA: "I think it's safe to say that the National Endowment for the Arts and the Department of Defense have never before been mentioned in the same sentence."

I dunno, until about five minutes ago I would have bet good money that "Alabama" and "Shakespeare" had never before been mentioned in the same sentence. Shows to go you never know.

Hat Trick

Sometimes, you know, it's just a really good day.

As previously mentioned, we got Eddie Izzard about bring Dr. Who some much-needed fashion sense.

Also, we got Republicans falling all over themselves to suddenly be oh, so forgiving of sexual misconduct on the part of seekers to higher office. I'll have to keep that in mind next time some Dem is accused of having cheated on his high school girlfriend.

And now Rush Limbaugh's an underemployed junkie.

It's great to be alive.

Dr. Izzard

Eddie Izzard to play Doctor Who? Now that you mention it, I can't imagine it going to anyone else.

Joey Ramone

Admit it, you're a Ramones fan. Everyone's a Ramones fan. And you know you miss Joey, even if it's only just a little. So stop what you're doing for a minute and go watch this video of Joey Ramone doing a cover of Wonderful World.

(There's a low-res version if you're on dial-up.)

Site Visitors

Wow. The page requests have sure gone up recently (still appropriately cozy, of course). Still, wow. Hi new people. Make yourselves comfortable. And feel free to comment on stuff. We like comments.

Lotta hits from google these days (in addition to the usual folks from tribe.net and the Gibson boards, plus you few masochists who come back regularly). Gotta love those search terms. Here, have some... (in no meaningful order)

• youth in asia
• foxy kids [ick ick ick eww]
• circumcise that baby what do you think this is a carnival
• what are birds afraid of?
• you've got a bonfire in your hair
• essie mae washington williams [top search phrase, actually]
• foxy dogs [please tell me that means something else?]
• free information on how to get started raising chihuahua dogs
• clear headless mannequins