I had a headsmack realization today.
I'm depressed again. Like, chemically and stuff. It's so blindingly obvious, but not from the inside. From the inside, it feels like numb-and-hopless is my natural state. Like I've never felt otherwise. Like I couldn't feel otherwise.
I started catching on when I bailed on a date with a dear friend on Sunday when it turned out to be in the morning vs afternoon. I couldn't imagine getting up bright and early and driving across the bridge just to spend time with people. What was the point? Don't I get up every morning now and spend time with people and kinda hate it? Wouldn't it be better to stay inside and sleep some more, then maybe read, then, I dunno, take a nap? And why would someone want to hang out with me anyhow?
So silly, not to see it. I get these episodes every few years, and I thought I could catch them by now. Admittedly, this new office job does have me turned pretty upside-down, but all the more reason to spend non-work time with people I love, right?
So. Back on meds. Back to physical therapy for my misbehaving hip (a slice of depression is accepting physical pain as something inevitable vs something that can and should be fixed). Back to a healthy diet instead of packaged food during the day and beer at night. Back to enjoying my friends vs hiding from life.
Back. I want me back.
Posted by Liz at December 2, 2007 08:45 PM