Okay, so, I'm one of those people who doesn't want to know ANYTHING about a movie before I see it, so I have assiduously avoided any press or reviews on this one. I *hate* it when reviewers give away the ending.
So, I went into this movie not knowing what to expect and let me just say, it TOTALLY ROCKS.
Okay, it starts out a little slow. There are these guys in this garden at night and some of them fall asleep and one of them is all "hey, wake up" and they're all "sorry." And everybody's speaking, like, French or Swedish or something. So, I'm all, like, BOOORRRING.
And then these weird guys in leather pants and funny hats show up and these two guys kiss and I'm thinking "oh, great, another French garden fag movie. I could have stayed home and watched Bravo if I wanted to see this."
But BOY am I glad I didn't, cuz what happens next is, the guys in the leather pants move in and they bag this one dude and just start WAILING on him. I've never seen anything like it. They tie him up in chains and start punchin' him and kickin' him and then they throw him off this bridge and then Gollum runs away, which was weird, and then they take him to these, like, priest dudes and the priest dudes are all "waste him" and the leather pants guys are all "aw, can't we just beat him up?" and the priest dudes are all "waste him."
So, then, get this, they take him to this, like, whipping post thing and they've got these canes and these flogs with fishhooks on them and bunch of other stuff out of the Stormy Leather fall catalog and then they open up an ECONOMY sized can of whup ass on this guy. I shit you not. I mean, you could viddy well the red, red kroovy and slooshy the panting and moans of the tolchoking malchicks real horrorshow, my little droogies.
So then the leather pants guys put a shrubbery on his head and haul him up in front of the priest dudes and the leader of the leather pants guys is all, like, "I think he's had enough" and the priest dudes are all, like, "NOT!"
So, then, they give him like this heavy cross thing to carry. At this point, I gotta tell ya, I had no idea WHERE they were going with this one, but I was TOTALLY along for the ride. This guy was fucked UP. You could see, like, his ribs poking out and his teeth all broken. I even think his hair was bleeding.
So, you'll never guess what happens next. They take him up to this mountain and they fucking NAIL him to that cross. And, like, they couldn't get his one arm all the way over to the nail hole, so they had to, like, dislocate his shoulder and it made this total gnarly crunching sound. This one girl in my row nearly hurled on that one. It was AWESOME.
So, then, they have him all nailed up and guess what? The flip the cross OVER a couple of times so he's face down in the dirt and then he's on his back again and I'm all, like, MAN, that's GOTTA HURT!
Then they haul him up and there are these other two dudes up there with him and this one guy laughs and so a crow pecks out his eyes and then they think the main dude might be dead, so they stab him in the side and all the blood comes gushing out all over one of the leather pants guy's face and down his hot, chilsed chest toward his musky, manly nether regions as he starts rubbing the warm, sticky blood all over his...
...uh...
Anyway, I don't want to ruin the ending for you, but afterwards they show him waking up in this, like, cave and I'm all GIVE ME A BREAK! What, is it supposed to have just been a dream? What a cop out. I hate movies that do that.
But then, here's the twist, they show his HANDS, right? And you can see that they've got holes in them. So that's like a signal that maybe this stuff all really happened. It was like a double-twist Twilight Zone ending.
But still, it's kind of lame. I mean, if they wanted to leave the story open for a sequel, they shouldn't have killed off the main character in the first place. Worse yet, they don't even bother to TRY to explain it. He's just alive. I'm all, like, WTF?
And besides, it's a TOTAL ripoff. I mean, where have we seen this "he died and then came back to life" thing before? Maybe in a little movie called "The Matrix?!?" Ever heard of it, Mel?
Still and all, even though the ending was a total lame ripoff, it was a great movie. I really learned a lot. Like, people are always saying, "who killed Jesus?" Was it the Jews? The Romans? All mankind? I think the movie makes a pretty compelling case that it was those guys in the leather pants.
Posted by Jason at March 5, 2004 03:07 PM