Due apologies to Liz for the Monty Python references. Unavoidable.
I could have used a little more running around and fighting. Also, more speechifying and preparing for battle would be good. Oh, and cowbell.
Aragorn: "Dude, where's my sword?"
Elrond (whipping it out): "Schwing! Party on, Aragorn."
Aragron: "Party on, Elrond."
I could have fixed this sword for you a few weeks ago when you were in Rivendell, cuz, you know, "gift of foresight" and everything. I probably should have known you'd be needing it.
"The Matrix" and "Lord of the Rings?" Oh, yeah, old Hugo's gonna be rollin' in the Douglas Mawson/Sir John Tebutts.
Orcs have overrun Osgiliath! Run away!
Orcs are at the gates of Minas Tirith! Run away!
Aragorn: "Dead Guy, join our battle, for I am your king!"
Dead Guy: "Who says you're the king?"
Aragorn: "Behold! Elrond gave me this, the shards of Narsil, whole again!"
Dead Guy: "Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some farsical Elvish ceremony!"
Oh, Mister Frodo, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Faramir: "Uh, are you going to the crowning?"
Eowyn: "Yeah."
Faramir: "Cuz, I was thinking, if you weren't going with anyone, uh, we could, uh, like go, uh, together."
Eowyn: "Whatever. Do you think Aragorn thinks I'm cute?"
Frodo, you bitch, you've never given up on anything in your life! Now FIGHT!
Denethor: "We will cremate my son like the pagan kings of old."
Faramir: "I'm not dead yet."
Denethor: "Yes you are. No long sleep for you, nor for me my son."
Faramir: "I'm feeling better."
Denethor: "Shut up, you'll be stone dead in a moment. So, here on this pyre, let the line of Denethor end."
Faramir: "I want to live! I feel happy!"
I know you're in the midst of battle and everything but, uh, how exactly did a half a dozen Oliphants sneak up on you?
"Red Five, er, Legolas! Use your harpoons and tow cables! Go for the legs!"
And it is written that the true King of Gondor will answer the ancient mystery: who would win a fight between an army of orcs and the Pirates of the Caribbean?
Dead Guy: "Free us from our oath."
Aragorn: "Oh, sorry Mr. Thousands of Years of Sleepless Torment for Betraying the Kingdom of Men, am I keeping you from something important? How about you hang out until, oh, say, AFTER the ring of power is destroyed? It's not like we need every sword we can get at Gates of Mordor or anything."
I know they had to compress some of the stuff in the book, but did they really have to cut the WHOLE tale of Sir Robin?
Frodo: "Hey, Sam, there's a spider in the bathroom. Kill it for me will you?"
Sam: "Hardy fuckin' har. Four years back in the Shire and that never gets old. Sure, and maybe afterward you can play a little something on the piano."
Frodo: "Watch it, Sparky..."
Am I the only one who kinda felt good for Gollum when he got his Precious back?
Gimli: "Ghosts. Very dangerous. You go first."
Gimli: "Let's have Saruman's head."
Gandalf: "No Gimli, this movie's already longer than Shadowfax's dick. If we cover every subplot, we'll never get out of here."
Okay, hobbits, new rule: if GANDALF is afraid to touch something, maybe you shouldn't be too eager to go a fondlin' it yourself.
All right, after reading the books twice and seeing the movies, I've come to the conclusion that the armies of Mordor and Isengard have significant organizational problems. Improving discipline and establishing a clear chain of command would be good for starters. And don't get me started on standards of personal hygiene. However, with proper management training, the Army of Mordor should be a #1 Orc Army by the end of the fiscal year! Teamwork!
Posted by Jason at December 29, 2003 04:29 AM