Did you ever wonder what would happen if James Ellroy and David Cronenberg collaborated on a TV show? Well, wonder no more.
I like shows that leave us with little life lessons. Like, for example, when you find yourself using hams to weigh down the corpse of a child-molesting drug lord who died on, scratch that, was killed on your operating table by his own brother, you may find yourself reflecting:
1) That you should really spend more time with your son, seeing as how he's the one who told you that alligators in the Everglades won't consume a human corpse unless it's seasoned with ham.
2) At least you weren't tortured with massive botox injections to the face and penis by said drug lord's ex-boss, which is something your business partner can't exactly say, in no small part because his face is paralyzed.
3) Maybe it's time to start screening patients a little more carefully.
Okay, so imagine that you pretty much only watch the PAX channel. You get your news from the 700 Club and, as far as fiction goes, if it ain't about angels bringing families together, you're not interested. Basically, imagine yourself as Ned Flanders.
Okay, now imagine what kind of programming you'd *think* is on all the other channels, if you were Neddy. This is that show. Not Buffy, for all its hot Wicca on Wicca action. Not ER, for all the sex, drugs and invasive medical procedures designed to twart Gawd's will. Not NYPD Blue for all its cussin' and Dennis Franz's nekkid hairy ass.
The problem with all these shows is that each of them proceeds from the faulty premise that humanity has some redeeming qualities. So, no matter how much juicy depravity they cram between commercials, there's always this little cloud of hope hanging overhead.
Not so Nip/Tuck, with its child-molesting, drug-dealing, corpse-disposing, face-torturing, fat-spewing, hottie-mutilating goodness.
Not to mention all the little moral quandries like, would you circumcise your teenage son so he can have more confidence when he has sex with his girlfriend? Or would you perform a boob job on your best friend's wife to help save their marriage even if you think her breasts are perfect?
For good measure, we even have a little anti-bilingualism ("Don't speak a foreign language in front of daddy that daddy doesn't understand.")
That's quality programming.
The score: 4 TV breasts (artfully hidden), 2 butt cheeks (not hidden), botox-fu, liposuction-fu, 1 mutilated supermodel, The Circumcision Tango, alligator-fu, Thank You Masked Man, 1 crisis of conscience, Fear of a Brown Planet, and one look from a check out clerk that perfectly captures the "Christ, how much ham can you people eat?" sentiment I'm sure we've all felt on one Easter or another.
Four stars, Jason Bob says check it out. Also, check out The Audition, you sick bastards.
Posted by Jason at July 24, 2003 01:07 PM